Changing My Identity

 I often wonder what it would've been like to grow up somewhere other than Baltimore City, even Baltimore county, Owings Mills, Lutherville, close places but different places. I wonder what it would've been like to grow up going to their special spots, restaurants and shops instead of the ones I did. I wonder what it would've been like to grow up at a public school a catholic school, or a coed high school. I wonder what it would've been like to grow up somewhere less diverse, or riddled with cookie cutter houses. I wonder who I would be without my quaker school roots, all girls school trauma, Baltimore city taxes and rat ramped alley ways. 

I always dreamed of going to college far away from home, enjoying a new experience and seeing a new city, but that just wasn't in the cards for me. My twin sister has down syndrome an because of that I stayed close to home (5 minutes away) to be near her. But it turned out to be a blessing I never anticipated, I got to spend four years saying goodbye to the place that raised me. As of two months ago I found out that my parents and I would be moving out of Baltimore city, and its hit me harder in ways I never expected. 

A large part of my identity has always been being from this city that has overcome so much. Maybe its the trauma I endured as a child and the parallels it had with this struggling city during those years. Maybe it was the years I spent defending my neighborhood after being told its not nice or not safe enough for kids to visit. Maybe its the memories I have of sitting out on my street selling lemonade and raising money for my sisters cancer treatment. Maybe its the memories of my favorite baby sitter Kerri who was the coolest Loyola senior I've ever met. Maybe its the fact I'm graduating college after years of tutoring from weird quirky old woman around Baltimore. Its probably everything, its a combination of who I am, Im a mosaic of every person Ive met and every experience I've had and most of them were here. 

I've never had a particular problem with change, but lately the changes seem so much bigger than they were. I didn't like when Mr. Wigglys ice cream closed or Berthas Mussels, but at least I knew I would always have some spots here in Baltimore that wouldn't change. I never thought we'd be moving so soon, I never thought I'd actually graduate college, I never thought I'd get a job I love so much. But never going to school again seems like a scary change, not having the same address on my license seems scary, having a corporate email feels scary. I'm not sure of who I'm becoming yet, but I guess I could make peace with that. 

Im no longer the tiny brunette girl who goes to the weird quaker school, Im not the spray tanned teenager at all girls school, Im not gonna be the girl who lives in Baltimore city. Im gonna be the girl who lives in Annapolis, with a college degree, Im gonna be the Assistant Golf Professional. Im no longer 12 and struggling to do math, Im the 21 year old girl who finally passed college math and is never gonna struggle with school again. But after all, I may not be the the same girl but I'll always be a city girl, a Baltimore city girl.